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Moving from a "1" Paper to a "4" Paper

 

Right Now I am a “1” Paper

 My mom always tells me how cold it is in Iowa.  My family and I were at my Grandmother’s house.  I could not wait to go outside.  We jumped into the van and went to the slopes.

 When we got there, we pulled out the sleds.  I got onto a sled and went down the hill.  Then I tipped over.  I laughed and walked up to the top.  I kept on sledding.  Finally, I sled all the way to the bottom.  I started up the hill and started slowing down.  I was stuck.  I could not get to the top.  I tried to climb.  It took me about 15 minutes to go up there.  I sat down and sweat running down my face.  I took off my mittens and felt very cold.  My aunt gave me her mittens.  I ignored being hot for the next hour.

 We then drove to my Aunt Mary’s house.  We drank cocoa.  Now I think about that day and think:  “That was an adventure.”  Climbing and having fun, but now I know, never to take off my mittens.

 

WITH A FEW CHANGES

(in blue)

I have moved from a "1" Paper to a "2" 

  My mom always tells me how cold it is in Iowa.  My family and I were at my Grandmother’s house getting ready to go sledding with our cousins.  I could not wait to go outside.  We jumped into the van and headed off with our cousins to the slopes.

 When we got there, we pulled out the sleds.  I hopped onto a sled and slid down the hill.  Then I tipped over.  I laughed and slowly walked up the long, steep snow.  Up to the very top.  I kept on sledding.  Each time getting better and more fun.  Each time getting harder to crawl back up.  Finally, I sled all the way to the bottom.  I started up the hill and started slowing down.  I was stuck.  I could not get to the top.  I tried to climb.  It took me about 15 minutes to go up there.  By the time I got to sit down and sweat running down my face.  I took off my mittens and immediately felt very cold.  My aunt gave me her mittens.  I ignored being hot for the next hour.

We then drove to my Aunt Mary’s house.  We drank some cocoa and threw off all our wet, snowy coats.  Boy did it feel good.  Now I think about that day and think:  “That was an adventure.”  Climbing and having fun, but now I know, never to take off my mittens.

 

 A FEW MORE CHANGES

AND

NOW I'm a "3" Paper

 

My mom always tells me how cold it is in Iowa, but she never mentions the kind of cold it really is.  My family and I were at my Grandmother’s house bundeling up to go sledding with our cousinsI had 3 or 4 layers of cloths on!   I could not wait to go outside and cool off.  Pretty soon, we jumped into the van and headed off with our cousins to the slopes.

 

When we got there, we pulled out the cheap sledsThey were made of plastic!  Even though they definitely did not look sturdy, I hopped onto a sled and zoomed down the hill.  Then I tipped over.  I laughed and slowly walked up the long, steep snow.  Up to the very top.  I kept on sleddingEach time getting better and more fun.  Each time getting harder to crawl back up.  Finally, I sled all the way to the bottom.  I started up the hill and started slowing down.  My boots were a size too big.  One of them kept falling off.  I groaned.  I was stuck.  I could not get to the top I moved my hands and legs trying to climb.  It took me about 15 minutes to go up there By the time I got to sit down and sweat running down my face.  I took off my mittens and immediately felt frostbite.  My aunt gave me her mittens.  I ignored being hot for the next hour.

 

We then drove to my Aunt Mary’s house.  We drank some cocoa and threw off all our wet, snowy coats.  Boy did it feel good.  Now I think about that experience and think:  “That was an adventure.”  Climbing and having fun, but now I know, never to take off my mittens.

 

 SOME MINOR TWEAKING

AND

 WOW – I’m a "4" Paper!

My mom always tells me how cold it is in Iowa, but she never mentions the kind of cold that just about tears your skin.  My family and I were at my Grandmother’s house bundeling up to go sledding with our cousins They sure got the bundeling up part right. I had 3 or 4 layers of cloths on!   Plus, I had big loose snowboots.  I could not wait to go outside and cool offPretty soon, we jumped into the van and headed off with our cousins to the slopes.

 When we got there, we pulled out the cheap sleds Now, when I say cheap, I meant cheap.  They were made of plastic for heaven’s sake!  Even though they definitely did not look sturdy, I hopped onto a sled and zoomed down the hill.  Then I tipped over.  Snow frosted flakes covered my body.  I laughed and slowly trudged up the long, steep snow.  Up to the very top.  I kept on sleddingEach time getting better and more fun.  Each time getting harder to crawl back up.  Finally, I sled all the way to the bottom“Whew,” I panted.  I started up the hill and started slowing down.  My boots were a size too big.  One of them kept falling off.  I groaned.  I was stuck.  I could not get to the top.  I moved my hands and legs trying to climbI was exhausted.  It took me about 15 minutes to go up there.  By the time I got to sit down and sweat running down my face.  I took off my mittens and immediately felt frostbite.  Cold winds nipped and bit my hands.  Soon they grew numb.  My aunt gave me her mittens.  I ignored being hot for the next hour.

 We then drove to my Aunt Mary’s house.  We drank some cocoa and threw off all our wet, snowy coats.  Boy did it feel good.  Now I think about that experience and think:  “That was an adventure.”  Climbing and having fun, but now I know, never to take off my mittens.

 

Key:

Italic               Moves from a 1 to a 2 (more detail, adverbs)

Underline         Moves from a 2 to a 3 (more detail, voice)

Large Font    Moves from a 3 to a 4 (imagery, more voice)